RECENT QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Dear CAKE: Problem #1 - I am a 28 year old woman who has not ever had an orgasm while having sex. In fact I do not enjoy sex at all, I do experience pain though. I get wet and depending on how aroused I am, I can stay wet for a long time, but when I am not, I dry up and the pain starts up. This is frustrating because it makes my partner upset that he can not please me which makes me feel worse. I have only had 2 long term partners that I have had intercourse with because it makes me nervous. I went 2 years between the two lovers. The first guy I was with for about 2.5 yrs. and this second guy for about 9 months. The second guy and I are not committed. Problem #2 - I get sores that look like herpes type #1, but are not herpes 1 or 2. What could it be? Problem #3 -I have started dating this guy who is attractive, and intelligent. The major problem is that his penis is extremely small (even when erect) he looks like a small child when naked. PLUS he does not like to perform oral sex. His idea of sex is take off your clothes, missionary style 1, 2, 3 it's over. How do I talk to him in a way that will not eat away at his ego, and will not turn him off to sex - Signed High and Dry

A: Dear High and Dry,

Doesn’t it seem sometimes that sex just causes more problems than it’s worth? But while it is true that there are plenty of potential complications that accompany the act, there are also plenty of good qualities too! I swear!

So let’s address this one problem at a time, shall we? First of all, many (and I mean many) women have trouble experiencing an orgasm during intercourse. But fear not, there is hope! Done right, vaginal intercourse with external clitoral stimulation is a good technique that can result in a female orgasm. This makes perfect sense since the combination of stroking the tip (i.e. the clitoral head) and the shaft (i.e. stimulated via internally through the walls of the vagina) sounds a lot like how men like their penis stroked as well. You see the external clitoris is only the tip of the iceberg. The clitoris is a wishbone structure that wraps around the vaginal canal and anatomically looks a lot like the penis except that it is a bit smaller and most of the structure is internal, while the penis is, well obviously, external. Since all of us start out as female in utero, let's call the penis from now on “the male clitoris.”

Because you say that you don’t enjoy the act of sex, I suggest spending an evening alone and concentrating on what turns you on through masturbation. If you are able to bring yourself to an orgasm during your solo sessions, it might be easier to incorporate your techniques during sex with a partner. Most women require more than just penetration during sex to reach an orgasm, so try stimulating your clitoris either manually or with a vibrator while engaged in the act. Also, there is an entire line of products just waiting for customers such as yourself; they’re called lubricants! Even if a woman is able to self lubricate during sex, these miracle potions are designed to enhance any sexual experience, for both men and women. It is perfectly natural to get a little dry, especially during an extended intimate session, and please explain to your partner that it most likely has nothing to do with not being pleased, it’s nature! And as we all know, nature is not dependable. You can pick up a bottle of KY Jelly at any drug store, or go for something a little more exotic at any sex or condom shop, and trust me, you will notice the difference!

Sex is meant to be an enjoyable experience for all those involved, so instead of spending your time consoling your partner’s ego, sit down and figure out what the problem might be. Of course you’re not going to fully enjoy having sex if you’re too focused on what your partner thinks! Go slow, and concentrate on all the feelings and stimulations happening to your body, I’ll bet you’ll be surprised at all the new feelings.

Now, regarding the sores you have, have you sought a medical opinion? This is the best and only advice that I can give you. Self diagnosing is always dangerous, were you told that it is not herpes? There are several contagious sore-type diseases that can be transferred from partners, as well as several different types of herpes, the HPV virus, and genital warts, so make sure that both you and your partner are tested as soon as possible, especially if the sores persist. Don’t wait, make an appointment today, and if you don’t have a regular gynecologist, you can go to your local Planned Parenthood or some other clinic. Neglected health issues are a surefire way to ruin any sexual relationship, so for you own sake, please go get tested out!

Third and final, lets tackle that eternal question that just won’t stop being asked: does size really matter? In my opinion, no, each Tom, Dick and Harry has different potential, but there are several other circumstances here. In most cases, if a man feels that he is, ahem, less than adequately equipped, he will usually try to make up for it in different ways. But you say that your man shies away from oral sex. Has he given you a reason why? Of course it may just be a simple case of dislike, but try talking to him about the act. Maybe he just doesn’t feel experienced enough and is worried that you won’t like what he does. And while it is easy and common to fall into a sexual habit with your partner, there is no reason why you should settle for one position if you’d like to try others! I suggest you surprise your man one night by taking the reins of power into your own hands. Trust me, if your man is straight which I think he is, he will not object to having you climb on top of him, or gently easing him into some other position. And this way, when you take charge, his precious ego will remain in tact. In fact, he will probably be thankful. There are some times when talk is overrated. Go home tonight, grab your man, and show him how you want to be taken. Now that is hot. With a ‘smaller’ man, it is probably best to start out slow and then build the momentum once you have found a good pace, which can lead to some pretty serious love making.

My guess is that your partner probably has as many hang ups about sex as you do. And why shouldn’t he? Everyone has their self conscious moments and everyone wishes they could change at least one thing about their own bodies. Giving your body to another person can be a stressful situation! But just remember, you are with this person for a reason, and if you want to receive pleasure from the situation, then it might require a certain degree of acceptance, as well as compromise.

Subscript -
Dear CAKE, I am a sexually active 22 year old woman. I frequently have orgasms from manual or oral stimulation, but almost never from sex alone. I tried to explain this to my boyfriend, but he constantly treats me like I’m weird, I told him that a large majority of women don’t experience orgasms from sexual intercourse alone, but need clitoral stimulation too, but he still says that I’m weird, am I? Signed -Worried in California

Dear Worried,
Tell your boyfriend that I said he is weird. You are absolutely right-on and your boyfriend should be honored to have such an informed and concerned girlfriend. Need to hear it from an expert? Just like his wee-wee, us girls like both our shaft and tip stroked and stimulated to achieve orgasm. Practically this means a little bit of internal vaginal stroking to get to the shaft of the clitoris through the vagina wall as well as rubbing on the tip which means stroking the external clitoris that we all know and love. The right combo technique will get you off. Next time you talk to your boyfriend ask him if he could get off by only stroking the shaft of his penis and not touching or going near the tip of his penis. I bet you the answer will be a big fat NO, but don’t blame him for it!

The debate regarding vaginal vs. clitoral orgasms has been raging for years, but is now officially resolved. And besides, your boyfriend should be a fan of whatever you need to get off. So take his hand or give yourself a hand (or a vibrator), and relish your normalcy.

Need to hear it again from CAKE experts? Please direct your attention to the CAKE Byte - "Pleasure Rules!"

Love,
Liz for CAKE

Q: Dear CAKE: What are the health risks to me when I have threesomes with my boyfriend and another woman who is a stranger? He always wears a condom when there is any penetration of the other girl but tells me there is no risk for me to have oral sex with her (give and receive). That doesn't seem right to me...please advise. - Natasha

Dear CAKE: I'm about to embark on my first lesbian experience - I know the health risks with a man but not really clear on the health risks woman to woman. Also any tips on oral sex would be good! - Anonymous

A: Dear Ladies -

To all my CAKE girls out there who are embarking on, or thinking about trying, a new girl on girl experience, I am here to tell you that yes, even though there is less risk of transmitting STDs, there are still some sexual risks involved in female to female contact, especially when you throw a man in the mix! To this end, CAKE advocates knowing your body, educating yourself and taking the steps to respect your body so that you are more able to embrace pleasure and fun!

If you are going to engage in sexual activity with another woman I recommend you stroll over to your nearest sex/condom store and introduce yourself to the extensive world of latex for women, otherwise known as the pleasant sounding Dental Dam. Like condoms, these small strips of latex come in a variety of colors, scents and flavors and are considered the most effective protection for vaginal or anal oral sex. Pick up a tube of Astroglide and send your partner of choice into orbit. Just make sure whichever lubricant you choose is water based. Oil based lubes have a tendency to weaken latex and we can’t have that. If you are using any sort of sex toy that is used for penetration, treat it as you would a man’s penis. Cover it with a condom and lube it up for extra sensation. And please, readers, please, no matter if you are with a woman or a man or by yourself, never penetrate the anus and then the vagina with the same condom, and vice versa. This is one of the most common ways to infect yourself with a nasty Urinary Tract Infection or some other unpleasant disease.

Many of you have heard of it before, but if this is your first time, read closely: HPV, the human papilloma virus, is not just one disease. There are over 100 different strands of this sexually transmitted disease that cause genital warts and 98% of all cervical cancer! According to an article published on WebMD.com, about 75% of Americans have at one time been exposed to HPV, many of which never even realize it because of the varying level of symptoms. This includes lesbians, who too often think that their risk for STDs is reduced because they are not engaging sexually with men. For more information on HPV, check out Dr. CAKE's Sexual Health Update

The truth is that many women who refer to themselves as lesbians have most likely at one point in their lives had some sort of sexual contact with a man. And intercourse is most definitely not the only factor in contracting a disease. Drug use, alcohol use, smoking, oral sex, sharing sex toys, all of these factors contribute to a person’s risk of contracting an STD, especially HIV or AIDS. When the awareness of a connection between HIV and lesbians first came to light back in the 90’s, a study was conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that showed: Through December 1996, 85,500 women were reported with AIDS. Of these, 1,648 were reported to have had sex with women; however, the vast majority had other risks (such as injection drug use, sex with high-risk men, or receipt of blood or blood products). Of the 333 (out of 1,648) who were reported to have had sex only with women, 97% of these women also had another risk -- injection drug use in most cases (WebMD.com, 1997). Now multiply those numbers by eight more years…you get the idea.

Genital herpes (or HSV) is also one of the most commonly contracted STDs, for straights and gays alike. Studies are now indicating that women are more likely to contract this disease than men, and that we have worse symptoms once affected. Herpes is spread to and from the genitals, anus and mouth during sexual contact, all of which directly affect lesbian activities.

Bottom line – no matter what gender (or genders) your partner is, use your rubbers people! They’re not just there to look pretty!

Now, on to the fun stuff! Deep inside every sexually active woman is the desire to receive the perfect oral sex. For many hetero women, no matter how often or how much we demonstrate to a man where to go and what to do, the feeling for some women is that this level of perfection cannot be achieved without the help of another woman. And this makes sense! Who better to please a woman orally than another woman? She already knows what it feels like to be touched, and where the best places are. If you are pleasing a woman for the first time, just remember what you like, and what feels good to you.
The tongue is a unique organ that can provide different textures and move at different speeds, so use those skills! Some women like rapid movements, and some prefer slow and sensual ones. Why not try both and see what sort of response you get?

Start out slowly, exploring the entire area of the vagina before moving to the clitoris, where the most sexually charged tissues in the female body are housed. And don’t forget your hands! Double your partner’s pleasure by gently massaging different parts of her body while your tongue focuses on the vagina. There are so many different erogenous zones on the body that just beg to be touched. The nipples, the shoulders, the neck, the stomach, ask your partner for help finding these spots if you are unsure.

If you start out gentle and pay attention to your partner’s responses to your actions, I suspect there won’t be any trouble. Some women find it easier to open up (pun only somewhat intended) to another woman, so use your first time as a learning experience, and above all be safe and enjoy the CAKE. For more great tips on pleasuring a woman orally check out Ian Kerner’s book "She Comes First - www.shecomesfirst.com.

Love,
Liz for CAKE

Q: Dear CAKE: I am a very experimental woman and can have multiple orgasms. But the problem is...only with a man. Do you have any techniques, books, or educational material that can help me explore myself, by MYSELF? (So I don't always need a man to make me happy). Thank You. Self Exploration

A: Dear Self Exploration,

Kudos to you!  It is always refreshing to hear from a fellow girlfriend who wants to explore herself, by HERSELF.  Incidentally, most women who are multi-orgasmic are more likely to have partners who delayed their orgasms until after the women had theirs. 

This is an unusual one, most women bemoan the fact that they can only get off on their own! So first let me congratulate you on your bedroom skills, you are a lucky woman. Now throw your man out of the room and get ready to practice those multiple skills on yourself, because as great as it is to be able to achieve multiple orgasms with a partner, it is just as important to be able to service yourself every now and then (or everyday…). 

Most women can experience multiple orgasms as a rule not an exception.  In fact, contrary to your experience, most women are able to achieve multiple orgasms with ease on their own through masturbation!   Usually after the first orgasm the clitoris will be very sensitive and hard to do anything pleasurable to.  However, it’s easy for most women to experience a second orgasm because our genitals are primed and engorged in blood.

The best advice I can give you when it comes to masturbating is, get to it! First just spend some time feeling around down there, get to know yourself on an intimate level, and then concentrate on getting yourself off. Because typically, most women first experience an orgasm on their own, and then later with a partner, you are working somewhat in reverse here. Think back to certain positions and moves that your partner uses to get you off during intercourse, and feel free to incorporate those techniques on your own. I recommend starting your masturbating mission with your own fingers. This will help you understand the touch and the feel of your pleasure zones. It is important, as well as extremely sexy, to have an intimate understanding of your own body. Why let your lover have all the fun? Once you have explored to your heart’s content, you might consider graduating onto what I like to call “fingers with batteries”. Yes, every girl’s best friend, who needs a man (ok, I do too…) when you have your own vibrator? Take a trip through our very own CAKE boutique to have a private look at some of the best on the market. All of these babies have been pre-screened and tested for satisfaction.

Now lets get to those famous multiples that every seems to know about, but not everyone can figure out! According to the website femaleorgasmsecrets.com, there are two kinds of multiple orgasms:

1. Sequential Multiples

·  A series of climaxes that come close together (2-10 minutes apart)

·  There is an interruption in arousal before the first and second orgasm

·  Common scenario for this type is oral sex climax followed by climax in intercourse

2. Serial Multiples

·  Orgasms come one after the other (separated by seconds without interruption in arousal)

·  Occurs during intercourse when all the right spots are being stimulated (i.e. clitoris, G-Spot)

Just as all women have different relationships with orgasms; women who have multiple orgasms experience them differently as well. To define in basic terms, a multiple orgasm is typically when a woman (men have been known to experience them as well, but that’s a topic for a different day) experiences several orgasms in one sexual session. As stated above, these orgasms sometimes occur one right after another, or they come every few minutes. Just as it is said that every woman has the capability to have an orgasm, dependent of course upon stimuli, position, comfort level etc, it has also been said that all women have the capacity to experience multiples.

Love,
Liz for CAKE  

Q: Dear CAKE: My boyfriend recently brought up the topic of possibly watching porn and I kind of freaked out. I watch it on my own but the thought of watching it with a boyfriend makes me uncomfortable. Why is this? I'm pretty open sexually otherwise. I want to be able to enjoy it but part of me feels like porn is just geared towards men. And also would I even feel comfortable with 'women' friendly porn? Any advice? Signed, Desperately not seeking porn.

A: Dear Desperate,

All porn geared towards men? Girl, hold on because I am about to introduce you the wide world of porn. I think it's great that you've experienced porn on your own, but what kind were you watching? The first thing to understand is that there is a lot (let me say it again) A LOT, of porn out there; porn for every level, taste, fetish and fantasy: gay and lesbian, cinematic, S and M, amateur, glossy, Avant Garde, the list goes on and on and on. Although the majority of the pornography industry is based on male fantasy, with a little digging and research, there is no doubt in my mind that you can find an enjoyable porn that fits your style.

Porn can definitely be visually exciting for women, and can be inspirational for sexual interactions with a partner, or stimulation for solo sessions. But, on the other hand, a main critique of porn has been that the majority of it ignores female pleasure altogether. In truth, to get down to the nitty gritty, you must talk about how porn affects male and female perspectives, both as partners of porn watchers, and as a porn watcher yourself.

So what is the main point of porn? To arouse, to entice, and to inspire sexual thoughts. If your boyfriend wants to watch porn with you my guess is that he thinks it would be a turn on, and it really can be! You say you have watched porn before, but not with your boyfriend - were you turned on? Did you seek out the film on your own, or did you happen to see one in a social setting? Erase from your mind all the nasty stereotypes you may have of porn; they are not all breast enhanced, wham-bam-thank-you-m'am flicks. I suggest you gather up a few good female friends, slip unnoticed into the back room of the video store, and grab a few pornos of all different varieties. This way you can define what you find erotic, and then you can show your man what YOU like. You might be a concerned that you and your man will have different tastes, and you will have to reveal secrets about what gets you off which will surprise the socks off of him. Be confident in what you like to see - and be playful about watching it together.

When shopping for porn, keep the following in mind:

The CAKE FILM PHILOSOPHY includes the follow components:

1. Real orgasms from real women shot from the female perspective.
2. Guys that turn girls on!
3. A rockin' soundtrack, style and set that look and feel sexy to women.

For some guidance, check out the CAKE Boutique for titles and descriptions of a few of our favorites.

Hints for maximum viewing pleasure with a partner:

* Turn it on, get turned on and leave it on while doing it
* Reenact the scene, using the characters as your guide
* Critique technique, then live and learn
* Try out some of the hot scenes you see but haven't done before

On the other hand, some people just are not down with partner porn screenings, and that's fine! Some people like handcuffs, some like feathers; to each her own. If you are just not comfortable watching porn with your partner, don't worry about it. But if you're willing to sit through a few scenes with your honey, feel free to use the upper hand to get something that you want in the bedroom! It's a fair give and take, don't you think so?

Love,
Liz for CAKE  

Post Script -

Dear Cake, Is there truly any tasteful Girl-girl porn out there? I'm not talking stuff made for guys...but good hot stuff made for women who want to see women together? My girlfriend and I are desperate to find some! Thanks! Sheila

Dear Sheila, Here at CAKE, we are constantly asked - where can a girl go to see some hot, fun, sexy, girl on girl action? Since we always aim to please, we have found a new DVD (also available on VHS) title that makes your visual fantasies of hot women - only women, no men in this one - come true. "Justine", set in the NYC underground, ha! - is pure visual eyecandy. For all you girls out there who love to see hot women getting it on with each other, this one is for you! Available in the CAKE Boutique.

Q: Dear CAKE: Hi, my name is Samara. I am from Brazil and I heard about CAKE, it sounds very interesting. I've never had sex before, it's not because I'm fat or boring, but it's because I'm afraid. I haven't found the right guy yet, but I'm 23 years old and I feel like I'm just getting older. The fact is I don't know what to do! Please help me. I think I'm very insecure. Thank you guys, Samara.

A: Oh sweet Samara, if I knew you I would hug you, and then take you out for a few drinks. Ok, there is a lot going on here. First of all, not having any previous sexual experience isn't something you should be ashamed of. If you took a survey of sexually active women, I'll bet that over half of them enjoyed their first sexual experience when it was with someone special? And second, please do NOT go out and have sex just to have it. Trust me; you will enjoy sex much more if you wait until you find someone with whom you are truly comfortable. Actually, according to the CAKE Report many women don't even really enjoy their first sexual experience which stinks more than my dirty dishes - only 7% of women even have an orgasm during their first time. Don't become a percentage point Samara!

Most women and men DO NOT have any idea what they are doing when they start doing it. But when sex is good, it makes up for all the time you waited and all the fumbling experiences. And Samara, 23 is not old; you have a lifetime of horny nights and sloppy encounters ahead of you. A girl should respect and feel comfortable with her decision to wait. It shows confidence and that you love yourself enough not do something just because you think you're supposed to. Instead of focusing on the fact that you are still a virgin, congratulate yourself on waiting and defining what's right for you! I know there are so many pressures these days to be sexual, look sexual and act sexual, but take this chance to appreciate being different! Eventually some young bloke will come along who fully acknowledges what you want and need from your first time, and all your waiting will be worth it. You don't have to justify your decision to anyone but yourself.

While waiting to have sex is your decision to make, you also shouldn't abstain from it just because you aren't sure what to do. If you want to have sex, and feel that you're ready, then I say go for it, your body will guide you. The best way to learn about sex is to get acquainted with your body before you ever share it with someone else. So turn on some funky beats, light a candle and get ready to masturbate! Masturbation is the best way to figure out what makes you hot, and you will enjoy sex so much more if you know which spots to focus on, and how you like to be touched. Your future partners will get down on their knees (literally) and thank you for all your homework. Check out the CAKE Byte Playing Solitaire for more insights on solo sex.

Before you leap into bed, complete this check list for me: First, learn all you can about the different types of contraceptives there are available for both men and women. Condoms, diaphragms, pills, the list goes on and there is a reason for it. You cannot be too safe these days and no one wants to have cautious sex. So choose whatever protection works best for you and all you'll have to worry about during sex is what position you want to try next. Second on the check list is to find a partner who is willing to learn new things and proceed with whatever pace makes you comfortable. It is completely normal to feel insecure about sex, especially your first time! I would be concerned if you weren't! And I know it's easy to say, but trust me on this one, guys are just as insecure about their bodies, expressions, positions and noises as us girls are. All you can do is laugh and enjoy the ride, because once you put all your insecurities behind you, the only thing left to do is relax, breathe, and relish the glorious benefits of sex. Enjoy Samara.

Love,
Liz for CAKE