There just isn't enough porn made for chicks like ourselves. What gives? To get to the bottom of this quagmire, we've been asking every woman we meet for weeks now the same question: "How do you like your porn?"  

We started with the porn stars themselves, going down to the Exotic Dancers Expo, IA2000, and then the AVN awards in Las Vegas and New Orleans. After that, we settled back in New York City recruiting women into our living room for porn-watching soirées to compare favorite scenes with our local librarian, the waitress at the corner coffee shop, and that girl in the elevator that you never dared to speak to. Here's what we found out.

WE WANT TO BE MINDFUCKED
At the IA2000, porn star extrordinaire Nikki Nova took a moment from her professional powder-puff duties to slyly say, "I'm shy," when it comes to what gets her off in porn. Nikki is famous for getting Carpal Tunnel syndrome from masturbating and considers herself "degenerate-to-the-core," so we kept bothering her until she told us the deal.

"Guys don't have a clue what women want," Nova explains while rapping about the new vibrating-finger sex toy that kept her entertained on the eight-hour drive from Texas to New Orleans. "Porn can be a little insulting towards women so a lot of girls just write it off. When you're horny and jerking off, men just want to see that shot, I suppose, but with women there really needs to be some kind of mindfuck."

Seymour Butts, porn star extrordinaire and Ron Jeremy replacement, is one of the few people trying to up the ante as far as quality goes. "I think the key to making female-friendly porn is that it's all about fun. The girls shouldn't be unhappy," he says. "Yeah," adds his partner in crime McKayla, after pulling down her tight white stretch pants to show us her shaved pussy "It's educational! We're teaching men how to make women ejaculate!"

McKayla also added "There's a lot of anal in porn," but admitted it had nothing to do with what we were asking.

If you haven't checked out Seymour's work before, the Squirters series isn't a bad place to start. This step-by-step guide on stimulating the g-spot is a real gusher.

WE LIKE TO SQUIRT
Another hot squirter movie that we often watch at the sessions is How to Female Ejaculate (SIR Productions, 1997). Watching woman after woman grunt and moan as they squirt clear cum two feet in the air and three feet across the room is not only hilarious, it's inspirational. Our friends screamed, "Goddamn, no fucking way" and all asked the anticipated follow-up question: "How the hell did they do that?"

"Practice makes perfect," we responded, sending them home with three different g-spotter toys each.

Jackie Strano and Shar Rednour, the visionaries behind the all-female porn company SIR Productions (Sex, Indulgence, and Rock 'n Roll) want to "change the way people fuck." They have been getting women into porn and porn into women for years and, for them, it's all about getting off. "Our mission is to make educational, enlightening, entertaining, and highly erotic videos that will provoke, inspire, arouse, and uplift people's attitudes and habits around sex and sexual health."

Strano and Rednour have done more than teach girls how to blow their loads. They've also shown us that dudes getting fucked by girls wearing dildos really floats our boat. Bend Over Boyfriend (SIR Productions, 1998) is the clear choice for female-powered experimentation. It's all about how to bend your guy over the table and give it to him good in his anus. Watching women strap one on as their boy-toys beg for more received a thumbs up all around.

WE LIKE IT GAY
If you are ready to take it to the next level, homo-erotic love between two men is the way to go. The visual stimulation of dudes getting it on for their own benefit is a hundred times better than watching pony tail guy in straight porn grunt out an orgasm. We like to think of this as a humanitarian gesture, like Feed the World or Live Aid, but different. That's right: two guys fucking. Preferably sweaty and shaved.

Gay porn on the whole seems a little more advanced. Good, hard, nasty lesbian amateur is great to get you out of a self-conscious funk. Watching a skinny woman scream and squirt as a hot chubby girl whips leather across her back and twists both fists up her vagina in Bathroom Sluts (SIR, 1999) can make you drop your diet, chuck your compact and wish you had it so good.

WE LIKE IT LOUD
Eyes of Desire (Femme Productions, 1998) is directed and produced by ex-porn star Candida Royalle and it's near perfect. It's less instructional but more educational and the orgasms are off the hook. If you ever thought that female orgasms are silent, polite or dainty, Royalle proves you wrong. The porn stars in this movie cum like it's the apocalypse and it's so real you have to turn down the volume. We recommend watching the film next to a mirror and imitating Chloe's orgasm faces, then trying them out in bed once you're on the right track.

"I have been making porn for women and couples for sixteen years and women can't seem to get enough of it," says Royalle, one of the few female porn directors in the field. "Women are demanding more context in their porn," she explains. "DPs and cum shots are no longer enough."

WE LIKE IT WEIRD
"Animal Farm was the first porno I ever saw and I kind of wrote them off after that," says a New York viewing-session member we'll call Michelle. "My friend busted it out when I was eleven. It was her dad's. There was sucking off monkeys, little monkey feet wrapped around the head. Four Ecuadorians holding a donkey against the wall for better access. We were like, 'Oh my god! Holy shit! Can you believe it?' For years I kept seeing that goat's head and hearing it bleat. Every time I looked at her father I couldn't get that sound out of my head. Needless to say I didn't stay over much after that. I wish I could get my hands on that tape today though."

Our research and discussions are making it quite clear that women do not get off watching animals get fucked. The novelty makes us laugh, though. Weird pornos help alleviate the boredom and they give you great ideas. We would never have thought of the genius of smoking a cigarette out of our pussies, for example, until we saw Emmanuelle (Just Jaeckin, 1974). We also discovered that painting our bodies blue, shaving our heads and filming interpretive dances to Enya could be really hot, thanks to the film Messy Girls (Flash Films, 1995).

WE LIKE IT RETRO
The kitsch of 70s porn is proof that porn had its heyday during the era of disco, cocaine and letting your bush grow out. Deep Throat (Arrow, 1972) and The Opening of Misty Beethoven (VCA, 1976) are classics that are becoming masturbation staples for women in need of that totally fluffy, bushy and doe-eyed look from the good ol' days.

Only recently have directors started understanding that women don't want to see mustachioed mullet-laden guys with mesh tank-tops banging it out on the hood of a two-toned Camaro. We want to see ourselves on-screen in the center of the action wearing Manolo Blahniks and silk stockings while getting fucked up the ass. Unfortunately, stylized porn made especially for women is far and few between.

Films like IKU and Rape Me aren't bad, but they aren't really hardcore. As we see it, there just isn't enough porn out there to satisfy a raunchy girl's heart. We need some really creative, hot, intelligent porn featuring women like us in fashionable duds, with luscious guys, an imaginative soundtrack and massive female orgasms.

Is anyone listening?

Porn for chicks is the next big thing and if we don't see some of it soon, we're going to have to make it ourselves.

MELINDA GALLAGHER AND EMILY KRAMER

Melinda and Emily are co-founders of CAKE, the new generation of erotic entertainment for women. www.cakenyc.com